Tale of Two Practices: Lessons from Queer Chosen-Family & White* Ancestry-Denial (Part 1)

Note to Readers: This is just the beginning of musings on this big topic, allowing myself and inviting others to get curious about this more than it is presenting concrete conclusions. Bear with me <3

In this article, I want to look at the tendency of white* (bodied / passing) folks like me to pick and choose the parts of our ancestry that we’re most interested in knowing and proud to be a part of, while systematically (even if unconsciously) avoiding, ignoring, or disclaiming the parts of our ancestry that are inconvenient, uncomfortable, or too painful to accept.

I want to explore this negative selective-ancestry practice, which I call "white* ancestry-denial", alongside the positive life-building practice of “queer chosen-family”, wherein LGBTQIA+ people, often out of necessity, seek out and select non-biologically-related people to become part of their most intimate familial circles in place of biological family members who do not understand or accept them. 

When first considering these side-by-side, I was surprised to realize that the practices of both “white* ancestry-denial” and “queer chosen-family” actually involve some similar elements: 

• Both are selective practices of discernment that consider the desirability of association and levels of intimacy we want to have with people in our lives / life stories;
  

• Both involve rejection or cutting off of certain family members or entire branches of family trees that we consider to be problematic, toxic, uncaring, and/or unworthy of love (based on assumptions, evidence, or fear of truths yet to be discovered); and
  

• And both involve building a community-of-choice through social adoption and, often, heroizing of other more-wantable people than the unwantable ones we let go of. 

One key difference between these practices is in the realm of the why’s – why does either practice exist in the first place, and why and to whom is it helpful or necessary? 

Queer family-choosing is a tried and true survival practice performed by a community of people who are historically marginalized by cisheteronormative cultures of power – that is, dominant cultures that normalize (1) the idea that there are only two sexes and two genders, (2) heterosexual orientations and relationships, and (3) the virtue of monogamous relationships and marriage – all of which serve to deny, harm, and eradicate the existence, lives, loves, and needs of LGBTQIA+ people.

When the dominant culture of power is hellbent on your erasure, and your own biological families side with dominant culture (or you assume / fear they will), then you build up your own communities and new family structures to survive and maybe even find joy and thrive. Of course, this practice is not unique to LGBTQIA+ people -- it is a common survival method of most if not all forcibly distressed and displaced people pushed to the brink of their own existence.

Conversely, white* ancestry-denial is a tried and true survival practice performed by white* (bodied / passing) people who are historically privileged by the dominant cultures of power, and therefore have every incentive to avoid, deny, disclaim, and systematically forget the parts of our histories that in any way taint our enjoyment of the present paradigm of superiority.

I call white* ancestry-denial a “survival practice” because if all white* people were to truly examine, reckon with, and accept (read: to acknowledge the reality of, which is not the same as agree with or condone) the entirety of our ancestral histories to date, our own dormant humanity would arise from the deep slumber of ignorance and complicity and no longer be able to tolerate the treacherous state of our false supremacy. The result: reality as we’ve been taught it, understand it, embody it, and expect it to be would necessarily come to an end. Although most of us would almost certainly literally live through this, the status quo would not, and we’d have to rebirth and recreate ourselves in a new image that we have not yet been willing to or had need to fathom.

In other words, queer family-choosing is the life-giving response to an active existential crisis; white* ancestry-denial is the reality-rejecting prophylactic measure to keep an existential crisis at bay.

Queer family-choosing helps us connect to the humanity in ourselves and others in deep, powerful, life-sustaining ways at no one else’s expense (“No humans were harmed in the making of this new family”); white* ancestry-denial allows us to perpetuate systems that harm us and everyone around us, disconnecting us from the rest of humanity and our own wild human hearts, at literally everyone else’s expense.

Queer family-choosing is a treatment for the dis-ease of subjugation; white* ancestry-denial serves to perpetuate the global pandemic of subjugation on everyone including ourselves.

In coming blog posts, I’ll explore this further, sharing stories from my own life to illustrate how white* ancestry-denial and queer chosen-family have shaped and impacted my own identity-development and sense of belonging, the process of grieving along my path of becoming more aware and politically activated (including how I've dealt with shame, guilt, anger, resentment, etc.), and a possibility for healing as I come into community and solidarity with all folks who are harmed by oppressive dominant cultures of power.

In the meantime, I’d like to leave you with some self-reflection questions I’m asking myself: 

• How does this all land for me? Where does it show up in my body, and what does that teach me about this?
  

• Where do I notice myself feeling resistant, defensive, protective? Where do I notice myself feeling curious, compassion, relief? What other feelings are in the mix? (If it’s helpful, check out this Feelings Wheel to name what’s coming up).
  

• For folks with white* ancestors: 
  

  • Where have I participated in white* ancestry-denial? 
    

  • What parts of my white* ancestry am I most proud of and most ashamed of (if any at all)? How does it feel to be asked that question?
    

  • Are there white* ancestors I can’t bring myself to learn about? Why?
    

  • Who or what is served most by my (conscious or unconscious) refusal to learn about, acknowledge, and accept my family’s history?
    

• Where in my life have I participated in any chosen-family practices, and why? How has this practice shaped me? If I haven't needed to, what can I learn from people who have had to do so as a means of survival?
  

• What will the practice of “queer chosen-family” look like in a world where cisheteronormativity is no longer the dominant cultural norm? Will it still be necessary, or itself become the new normal?